I don’t know how I feel today. I feel as if people should be talking to me about everything and asknig me questions, making me answer things, making me help them making me happier. But do I need to be happier?

Today I am spending my day checking out some more websites for Jims suprise. Revising maths and missing my friends some more.

Well, I feel very tired and I think I shall just leave it there, I just had an urge to blog for a bit.

I love you all.

xxx

And so the weekend is over, I haven’t yet recovered from illness but atleast I’m not half dead any more. The weekend helped this fact (as did the 3 days off school). I spent it being cheered up, and in traditional Caley-manner, realising a few things that I thought I ought to share.

I well and truly have disgusted myself over the last few years. I have been an utter faggot. And I are taking this opportunity to apologise to everyone for anything I may have done wrong to them. I have made a pact to change, and I already have. TO some people dissapointment, I am NO LONGER the girl who will fuck everyone for the hell of it, I am no longer hte girl who enjoys a ton of male attention, incase you didn’t know, it actually made me very uncomfortable and vulnerable, which therefore made my reaction to this attention very forced because I’m always the person to give others what they want for fear of the consequences. Not anymore, y’all can go fuck yourselves, which leads me onto my next point.

Jim. the most incredible man in the world. No one even comes CLOSE to this guy. I can’t believe he is mine, I can’t believe he loves me. I love him more than anyone could ever imagine, the fact that love is such a deep word, makes me realise just how much he means to me, in my thoughts 24/7 and hopefully, one day, in my day and embrace 24/7.  I’ve never been happy whilst with someone, but Jim has changed my life around, for the better. It feels so surreal to think that on his prom night we will have been together for a year and a half. It already seems like eternity, but I plan to make it eternity if he’ll have me.

My friends. I can’t be bothered to list them because someone is bound to be offended if they get put last, so you all know who you are. The ones I can talk to, the ones I can tell secrets to, the ones I can freeley grope in a loving manner. You are the people that keep this smile on my face (apart from Jim, however he’s my best friend). I couldn’t have gotten through these 2 years without you guys. You are my starts. Each and every one of you is fantastic. You all have so much to live for and I hope you all get to where you want to be.

And that concludes what I revelled over this weekend, now for the action.

Saturday: Jim came round after work and stayed over. We ordered in a chinese and watched a load of crap on TV and films. Followed by the comfiest snuggling in the entire world (and the best sex ever tbh).

Sunday: Woke up in Jims arms (the best feeling ever tbh). Hung around all day in bed just lazing around, I showed him my new YouTube video (which you should all go and watch btw) Then he asked if I’d like to stay over his that night. So I did. We had more sex and went to his house. Whilst at his house we watched futurama (ftw) and Basic, a film starring Samuel.L.Jackson and John travolta, very good =] even though I was quite tired so it didn’t make much sense to me =D. We ate kitkats and caramel bars, drank Dr Pepper and he left me to sleep.

Monday (Today): I woke up to Jim coming into the room and looking at me asleep lol. then we decided to kinky-snuggle. As soon as we started doing it, Minty rang Jim and said he was outside, so much to my dis-pleasure, our sex was interrupted and we left to get ready to go to town.  We got to town and wnet to buy tickets for SpiderMan 3 and then went to Coffee Republic for drink and munch. the film started and it was fantastic =D I got a numb butt though. Then we went to get some more food, I got chips with cheese and mayo (yum tbh) and then we parted with Jaz and Minty on the words “Ok, lets go have sex, see you later guys” and we came to my house, and had great sex once more. We then spent the rest of the hour or so, talking, laughing and I just fell in love with him all over again.

Good days.

x

It’s so very surreal to think about it. 6.

I’m in a state of illness and nostalgia. I’ve spent 5 years of my life at the Floyd. And now it has come down to me having 6 days left there. I have so many regrets and so many memories.

I’m finding it so hard to let go.

College awaits me. If I get the grades. Which God knows I’m trying hard for.

But, all my friends wont be there. We won’t go to Tesco at lunch together anymore, we wont talk about what’s on our minds or have any more rehearsals together.

It makes me cry everytime I think about it. Even now.

Not seeing them in the morning. The people that mean the most and always will. The people that cheer me up when I’m the worst mood. The people that keep me going. The people that I love more than anything in the entire world. Wont be there.

The fact is they’ve always been there for me, whenever I need them. And, being so close but so far from them everyday is going to hurt.

I’m giving up a lot to go and do something I might not be good at. but I know I’m not good enough for sixth form. I’ve got no idea where I would be happier.

I used to have it all planned. But then I changed. Everything did. People left and I realised a few things, about the world and about me.things I never knew existed.

I’ve wasted so many years. So many feelings. So many thoughts and so many opportunities.

I apologise to a certain person, but I won’t ever be able to let go.

Maybe the distance will help that? Maybe it’ll get worse.

Whatever happens, I wish them all the best of luck in what they want to do.

They are all fantastic people, and I know they have so much ahead of them, and I know their stories will end in success.

x