Damn, that’s a great song. It’s almost hypnotic and I think it just describes how I am at the moment.

This might be quite a boring post, so I apologise. But I just feel really, not emotional but like that. I just had a weird day yesterday and that feeling has carried on from to today and I just feel sick to stomach. It’s harder to let go of than I realised. There are still a million questions that I want to ask and can’t quite find it in my heart to mention.

I realised that I have a very nasty regret too, one that I hadn’t fully realised until I had a conversation that kind of, brought it back to me. It was a horrible thought, so alas, I’m on a downer, but I intend to get drunk on Friday … care to join me?

Anyway, I want to apologise to someonne and I hope they know who they are, but I can’t let it go just yet.

xxxx

So, the mental month that was June has now passed. Tot hat , I give a huge sigh of relief.

The only thing I have to plan now is my photography session at school on the 7th July, for which I think I need another assistant as Jim has CAD, and I deem itu nfair to keep him from it.

So,please tell me if you want to come help me out on the 7th, it would be most appreciated. I might even pay you ^^.

I can calm down a lot now, but I feel my blood pressure is high as I keep getitng head rushes just by being sat down.  I have a feew more helth worries but nevermind.

I’m now waiting for the prom photos to be up =D I can’t wait. xxxxxx

Hello to all you , male, female, not quite sure, readers.

It’s that time once more, the second blog of the month, nearing the end of the month, but nonetheless a very exciting near-end-of month indeed.

I first of all would like to apologise for the mere rambling of this blog, I’m just in one of those moods where the words aren’t quite clear enough in my head so I’ll either make ones up or ramble on , such as here. Again, apologies.

The title of this blog, ’seeing things’ was chosen momentarily before I started to type because I thought I saw something move towards me at a fast pace, but I was mistaken, and I do keep seeing things, therefore I believe I am going sliiiightly mad. So please don’t read too far into the title.

It is a Sunday, which means tomorow spouts a week of energy, lack of sleep, drinking, excitment, smiles and laughter, and probably some other cheerful things, such as sex. Just to clear things up in my own head, and to give you ll an idea of my buzzing schedule, I thought I’d quickly type it out clearly so that I cna make eay reference to it later on.

Monday: Finish up all the birthday stuff for tuesday, have a bath, hopefully Jim’ll be here =D.

Tuesday: Meet Louise at 10am , hand in all my books and shizz, get the money back from that (must find biology and chemistry ones). Then mooch into town (hand in apps and stuff). Walk back to mine. Await peoples arrival at 1pm, my house. Then walk down to Watermead, meet some people there and have a picnic party (incase of rain, back to my house). Everyone picked up at 7ish. I go to Nicks.

Wednesday: THORPE PARK.

Thursday: Floyd 6th form induction, I don’t know if it’s worth me going.

Friday: Meet Louise at 12.30. Go to Toni and Guy, get my hair done up all lovely. Taxi home, then be excited and take pictures of my hair. Meet everyone here at 3.30. Makeup lady here at 4pm. Get ready, dressed and prettied. Mini bus here at 7pm. Go to PROM. Everyone back here for 12.30. Party on.

Saturday: Get Jim up and off to work. Have a bath and stuff. Get ready for tento (weather dependant). Have a laugh at Tento.

 So that’s pretty much it. So I am a busy bee.

Slightly frustrated but I refuse to complainin this blog. I’ll be nice =D

So my love to everyone and I shall see omst of you on Tuesday =D

xxxxxx

Okay this just has to be said.

I am utterly confused, I am so fucking fed up of being left alone all the time, feeling unappreciated all the time and having to fucking spell things out for people all the time. But most of all I am fucking fed up of complaining all the time, but it seems to be the only way to get some stuff through to people.

I feel so angry and I dont know why, I feel upset and I dont know why.

all i’m asking for is some care, some physical care. actions speak louder than words and all tat jazz.

This blog isn’t aimed at anyone by the way, just  … everyone I guess.

I’m sick and tired of looking i the mirror and remebering how I used to be and how happy I was then realising that I know I’ve changed. I’ve changed for more reaons than most people can comprhend. I’ve changed for good and for bad and it’s left me like this.

I am extremley disappointed in myself, and I’m sure that dissapointment will be continued when I get my exam results back too.

I sick and tired of feeling ill. For christs sake it’s been over a month now and there have been hardly any improvements.

I may aswell stop trying.

seems to be the only logical answer for me at this moment in time.

I don’t know how I feel today. I feel as if people should be talking to me about everything and asknig me questions, making me answer things, making me help them making me happier. But do I need to be happier?

Today I am spending my day checking out some more websites for Jims suprise. Revising maths and missing my friends some more.

Well, I feel very tired and I think I shall just leave it there, I just had an urge to blog for a bit.

I love you all.

xxx

And so the weekend is over, I haven’t yet recovered from illness but atleast I’m not half dead any more. The weekend helped this fact (as did the 3 days off school). I spent it being cheered up, and in traditional Caley-manner, realising a few things that I thought I ought to share.

I well and truly have disgusted myself over the last few years. I have been an utter faggot. And I are taking this opportunity to apologise to everyone for anything I may have done wrong to them. I have made a pact to change, and I already have. TO some people dissapointment, I am NO LONGER the girl who will fuck everyone for the hell of it, I am no longer hte girl who enjoys a ton of male attention, incase you didn’t know, it actually made me very uncomfortable and vulnerable, which therefore made my reaction to this attention very forced because I’m always the person to give others what they want for fear of the consequences. Not anymore, y’all can go fuck yourselves, which leads me onto my next point.

Jim. the most incredible man in the world. No one even comes CLOSE to this guy. I can’t believe he is mine, I can’t believe he loves me. I love him more than anyone could ever imagine, the fact that love is such a deep word, makes me realise just how much he means to me, in my thoughts 24/7 and hopefully, one day, in my day and embrace 24/7.  I’ve never been happy whilst with someone, but Jim has changed my life around, for the better. It feels so surreal to think that on his prom night we will have been together for a year and a half. It already seems like eternity, but I plan to make it eternity if he’ll have me.

My friends. I can’t be bothered to list them because someone is bound to be offended if they get put last, so you all know who you are. The ones I can talk to, the ones I can tell secrets to, the ones I can freeley grope in a loving manner. You are the people that keep this smile on my face (apart from Jim, however he’s my best friend). I couldn’t have gotten through these 2 years without you guys. You are my starts. Each and every one of you is fantastic. You all have so much to live for and I hope you all get to where you want to be.

And that concludes what I revelled over this weekend, now for the action.

Saturday: Jim came round after work and stayed over. We ordered in a chinese and watched a load of crap on TV and films. Followed by the comfiest snuggling in the entire world (and the best sex ever tbh).

Sunday: Woke up in Jims arms (the best feeling ever tbh). Hung around all day in bed just lazing around, I showed him my new YouTube video (which you should all go and watch btw) Then he asked if I’d like to stay over his that night. So I did. We had more sex and went to his house. Whilst at his house we watched futurama (ftw) and Basic, a film starring Samuel.L.Jackson and John travolta, very good =] even though I was quite tired so it didn’t make much sense to me =D. We ate kitkats and caramel bars, drank Dr Pepper and he left me to sleep.

Monday (Today): I woke up to Jim coming into the room and looking at me asleep lol. then we decided to kinky-snuggle. As soon as we started doing it, Minty rang Jim and said he was outside, so much to my dis-pleasure, our sex was interrupted and we left to get ready to go to town.  We got to town and wnet to buy tickets for SpiderMan 3 and then went to Coffee Republic for drink and munch. the film started and it was fantastic =D I got a numb butt though. Then we went to get some more food, I got chips with cheese and mayo (yum tbh) and then we parted with Jaz and Minty on the words “Ok, lets go have sex, see you later guys” and we came to my house, and had great sex once more. We then spent the rest of the hour or so, talking, laughing and I just fell in love with him all over again.

Good days.

x

It’s so very surreal to think about it. 6.

I’m in a state of illness and nostalgia. I’ve spent 5 years of my life at the Floyd. And now it has come down to me having 6 days left there. I have so many regrets and so many memories.

I’m finding it so hard to let go.

College awaits me. If I get the grades. Which God knows I’m trying hard for.

But, all my friends wont be there. We won’t go to Tesco at lunch together anymore, we wont talk about what’s on our minds or have any more rehearsals together.

It makes me cry everytime I think about it. Even now.

Not seeing them in the morning. The people that mean the most and always will. The people that cheer me up when I’m the worst mood. The people that keep me going. The people that I love more than anything in the entire world. Wont be there.

The fact is they’ve always been there for me, whenever I need them. And, being so close but so far from them everyday is going to hurt.

I’m giving up a lot to go and do something I might not be good at. but I know I’m not good enough for sixth form. I’ve got no idea where I would be happier.

I used to have it all planned. But then I changed. Everything did. People left and I realised a few things, about the world and about me.things I never knew existed.

I’ve wasted so many years. So many feelings. So many thoughts and so many opportunities.

I apologise to a certain person, but I won’t ever be able to let go.

Maybe the distance will help that? Maybe it’ll get worse.

Whatever happens, I wish them all the best of luck in what they want to do.

They are all fantastic people, and I know they have so much ahead of them, and I know their stories will end in success.

x

Well, what can I say? Satuday the 7th of April has left me feeling queezy, happy, thrilled, with a headache and very very tired. What a brilliant night.

I hosted LOLFEST for following lovelies: Jim, Dodge, Hali, JD, Hopface, Amy, Louise, Giles, Mel, Lilly, Jo and Lucy. (a.k.a the crew).

The day startd nicely, I walked into town (looking un-intentionlay fabulous yet gothic might I add) and I walked over to the library where any fols walked into closed doors, not realising it’s easter weekend and the library is actualy closed. That provided me with much amusmant whilst I awaited the arrival of Mel, Amy and Lilly.

When they arrived we got a taxi back to my house where we sat and had a nice chat about all the places I’d done it in my house. They were disgusted and I was proud of myself.

Then Hopwood and Louie arrived and the party slowly started turning mental (timing wise that is). JD had a ‘hair dyelemma’ (notice the pun) whichactually wasn’t a dilemma atall, he looked gorgeous as always.  This made him late as he was worrying and pondering over whether to get a taxi or walk to my house, but he eventually arrived, not too late =]

Alex Giles on the other hand is a COMPLETLEY different story. She told me she would be at my house for 4pm as she had to go meet with Angies family. This was totaly fine. 4.30pm came along, and I was thinking whether or not to ring her. I decided not to just yet.

(meanwhile, we were all playing Cranium)

 Then 5pm rolled around and I decided it was time to ring. I fnally got throught o her mobile when she says: “Err, we’re just about to leave and then I need to go to Cambridge and get some stuff and then I’ll be there by like 8pm”. I was not amused. 4 hours late and she didn’t even TEXT! However, she arrived … eventualy ¬.¬ … and by this time so had Jim, Dodge, Hali and Lucy and all the alcohol.

The night was underway drinking all round, screaming the soundrack to ‘Wicked’ at the top of our lungs and squeezing who ever was in sight ^^

We were being you’re regular teenage parties, mixing and talking and laughing and singing and then  Jim and me did it.  Then we all played singstar.

I was incredible I’ll have everyone know, even for a wasted 16 year old with a sore throat =D After singstar me and Jim went back to sex.

Then Hali was throwing up a lot so Jim took care of him and put hi to bed with a towel and a bowl =]. Jim returned to me or more doing and lots of talk. We talked for about 3 hours about everything. I cried, I laughed, I kissed, I came

Then I went down stairs for a time out, unfortunaltey not wearing any underwear to some peoples pleasure and to others pain ^^ It was a bit chilly mind you The downstairs lot were just talking and sleeping and so I went back upstars to catch some Z’s.

Awaking at 8am, me and Jim snuggled and probably had sex again lol.

I went downstairs and everyone was watching the comedy stylings of  Dylan Moran (a comic Irish genius) laughing and jollyfor such an early time, people started sorting themelves out and one by one they all left =[

After Louise left, me and Jim were hoe alone, so guess what we did. After doing the deed, we slept and then I went downstairs to clean my house completley hovering and all (leaving th washing up until I had some help).

The night was brilliant and I’d like to thank everyone who attented for giving me one of the best nights of my life.

The final outcome of the party was that, I cut my finger, turned into the hulk about a smirnoff bottle in my dead dogs tree. Amy and Alex are no together, everyone was groped at some stage, I have love bites on my neck, scrapes on my knees washed up an entire cupboardful of mugs and glasses =D

Thanks again to you all.

x

Unbelievable happyness.

Jim is amazing.

My friends are the best.

I’m really happy =D

xxx

I am doing a Q&A for my youtube, so comment me here with questions, they can be whatever yo like.

Include name and age =D

I love you all, and I’ll tell you all when it’s done.

I’ll give you, a week or 2 for questions ^.^

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx