this isn’t really a blog, just an explanation for anyone who might want to know

I am what I’ve become because of countless events through my life. Most of which, unfortunatley for me i guess, have been events of sadness, despair, heartbreak and loss. I’m only 17. I dont know why I’m writing this, I’ve just always wanted to, i’ve wanted to note down the moments in my life when i was at my worst, so i can see for myself in black and white what has created me. The events wont be in any order, because I don’t know the exact order, but, they all impacted me, hugely.

Enjoy, I guess.

The loss of a best friend aged 7

I had a best friend, who was like, my twin in so many ways, the kind of friendship you know will be eternal. Well her parents got divorced whilst she was still young and she didn’t know what was going on and acted as if she was to blame. She became very quiet. Not talking to me about what was wrong when i could clearly tell that something was. I went round her house one day after she hadn’t been at school, (we all lived local and near to the school) and there was an ambulance at the house. I went to the front door and saw her mum crying, hysterically, i rushed in and saw paramedics around my best friend, who was covered in blood. Her mother was screaming and the paramedics were doing as much as they could. They took her hospital and she died later that night after not regaining conciousness. She took her own life. and when i saw her body there, i couldn’t  move. I couldnt think. I couldnt feel. i fell to the ground, and just stared at her, covered in blood.  Id lost one of my best friends.

Not so sweet 16

This was the next death to have the biggest impact on me. And i know it probably sounds so stupid, but it was my dog. The dog I’d had since I was tiny, after i lost my best friend. Wincey, female collie cross. The most gorgeous dog, the most friendly, compassionate, obedient dog. She used to sleep up in my bedroom, everynight, i’d hear her paws come up the stairs, shed nudge my door open, come in and jump onto my bed, and sit next to me whilst i did whatever it was i was doing. I talked to her as if she was a person, because she listened, even if she doesn’t understand. She was always there for a hug. Then on my 16th birthday, my mum rang me whilst i was out with friends that Wincey had yelped and was limping quite badly and that mum was taking her to the vets if it didn’t improve soon. She hung up the phone and that in itself made me cry, infront of all my friends. We carried on, and shortly after mum rang again to say wincey couldnt walk and she was going to the vets. Unfortunatley the vet couldnt see my dog at that time, so she came back and me and my friends returned. I had my party and sleepover, all the time looking after wincey as she lay still in her bed looking so sad. The vets had made her an appontment for opening time the next day so mum was gone when i woke up. My friends left except for my then boyfriend and one of his friends who heloed me tidy. I went upstairs to tidy my bedroom and heard the front door open. I heard slow footsteps coming up the stairs and then a knock on my bedroom door. My mum stood there, she didn’t even speak. She looked at me with this, horrendous sorrow in her eyes and i screamed. I screamed louder than you can imagine. Even my mum said that sound will never leave her head. I fell to the floor. Heavy, completley limp, screaming, crying unable to breathe properly, in complete and utter disbelief. My dog had slipped a disc and had to be put down on my 16 th birthday. I never got to say goodbye to her. She meant the world to me. I cant forget that moment, that dog or that friendship. I’m still broken from it. I have her in my bedroom now, where she belongs, in a beautiful urn.

The mistrust

being raped at aged 15 ended a 2.5 year long relationship which turned from love into one full of lies and deciet on both parts. it changed my view on menm even the one i fell in love with. but i never thought our relationship would end how it did. I was cheated on, lied to and strung a long more than you could imagine tbh. Even the innocent flirting with other girls just broke my heart, so i thought id break his because obviously women dont deserve his repect so men dont deserve mine, if the wanna use me as a peice of meat, ill use them before they get the chance. and here’s a message to all of them, 3 out of the men ive slept with are the only ones to actually make me orgasm, the rest of you were shit so i put on a show because i was fucking you out of spite. There’s the honest truth. But im not naming names in this. My ex took it too far, he lied to me for 9 months about something a bit worse than just sex. IT broke me, it broke my trust in people, expecially that in men. It’s a wonder i fell in love again. I just pray it wont end like that if it does end.

those are the main things in my life that have shaped me.

theres a glimpse, a brief if you will, of Caley MacKinnons mind.

What she thinks of all day everyday.

that she will never think she’s good enough to be with anyone anymore, that she doesnt trust, forgive or forget anymore. that she will die alone as will the rest of us, even if the ones we love so dearly are right next to us when it happens, we’re alone and there will always be secrets, lies and truth we cant hande.

there will be more loss in my life, i have plenty more years to use up. or at least i hope i do.

A sunny day, full of positivity and smiles and realisation of something.

I’ve fallen, hard and fast.

Everytime i look at him I smile, everytime he looks at me i smile.

Everytime he talks to me he makes me laugh, he’s promised to protect me and never hurt me.

And i actually believe it coming from him.

I wish i could just tell the world of what we do together and how magic he makes me feel.

I really do love him, and I never thought it’s be possible, but it’s happened :]

I’m so glad it did.

*happy sigh*

Seriously I think this will be my ramble blog for the summer, live journal is my actual blog :]

But omgsh.

I’m glad I’m happy.

I refuse to let anything ruin this for me.

Today is a good day ^^

http://ladyinfekt.livejournal.com/

thats my problems page from now on.

Maybe ill re-start writing on here int he summer.

a happier time :]

xx

i feel pretty weak.

and immature right now.

im so confused.

i dont know what i want.

maybe im doig what im doing for the sake of others.

why cant i just be happy.

why cant i just not have everything thrown in my face.

deary me.

really hate myself sometimes.

i just dont like seeing other people happy.

Every time I close my eyes
It’s you and I know now
Who I am

Yea yea yea and I know now

There’s a place I go
When I’m alone
Do anything I want
Be anyone I wanna be
But it is us I see
And I cannot believe I’m fallin
That’s where I’m goin
Where are you goin
Hold it close won’t let this go

Dream catch me, yea
Dream catch me when I fall
Or else I won’t come back at all

You do so much
That you don’t know
It’s true
And I know now
Who I am

Yea yea yea
And I know now

There’s a place I go
When I’m alone
Do anything I want
Be anyone I wanna be
But it is us I see
And I cannot believe I’m fallin
That’s where I’m goin
Where are you goin
Hold it close won’t let this go

Dream catch me, yea
Dream catch me when I fall
Or else I won’t come back at all

See you as a mountain
A fountain of God
See you as as a descant soul
in the setting sun
You as the sound

I’m young
There’s a place I go
When I’m alone
Do anything I want
Be anyone I wanna be
But it is us I see
And I cannot believe I’m fallin

There’s a place I go
When I’m alone
Do anything I want
Be anyone I wanna be
But it is us I see
And I cannot believe I’m fallin
That’s where I’m goin
Where are you goin
Hold it close won’t let this go

Dream catch me, yea
Dream catch me when I fall
Or else I won’t come back at all

twat

I’ve decided i am new psychological disorder, in human form.

I’m trying to think of something nice and special to do for my 18th (other than the obvious party).

I cant think of anything. anything affordable anyhow.

on one hand i think “nuh, i dont desrve a special day alll about me, why the fuck would anyone want to do that”

but on the other “wow, i fucking deserve to be spoilt and suprised after what i do for everyone else.”

my perfect party just, wont, happen. due to expenses and i dont know any venues.

i dont know what i want to do everyone else knows me, so maybe they’d come up with some good ideas, but no.

obviously im not that special =(

*sits on the floor and drinks tea for her 18th*

A few worries, i like to write them down so I can look over them again and see what a fool I’ve been.

I’m pretty sure i should be able to trust a little more now, but the world seems to think otherwise.

I get randomly moody and emotional if i see a stupid film about love. Everything just leads back to the way i felt, and my hands sweat, my heart races, i want to cry, i go quiet, and I say “nuh, I’m fine”.

it happens innapropriatley. it happens suddenly. i have actually let ‘that’ go. but the feeling is still in my heart, that i can’t trust. that i’m gunna loose something here, and i’m gunna breakdown.

I’ve been a slave to my emotions for … 7 months now. i hate this me. everyone should hate this me. i just wish i could angrilly get rid of all that is pent up.

i hate women. i hate men.

i hate how men treat women like meat, i hate how women allow it.

the world sickens me, yet i am a part of this.

but i’m not like alll the women, i dont gorp at men on adverts. i found one man. i’ve never looked at another.

i hate feeling like this. typical woman venting in words.

i hate the fact i love him so much anytime he loooks/thinks/talks about another woman, i feel physically sick.

i want to take all females away from him, invade his computer and delete anything female that isnt me.

i just. cant. trust at the moment,

one day, i’ll find out whats wrong with me.